Integrating your past into your current self - what does that really mean? Why do I want to go about doing so?
The reason for this topic is because recently, we had some discussions with friends around forgiveness or not forgiving someone unless this person apologizes first. This created a friendly, but heated discussion around this idea of forgiveness.
There may be many reasons for forgiving or not forgiving one another, but the idea that was discussed is that by not forgiving , you really are giving away your power to someone else.
We talked about that it's ok to take a moment to feel upset about a situation, event or person, but it can keep lingering for many, many years. Some times, we may not even remember the event at the time. In other words, we let an event from the past, influence what we do today. While the past is already gone, these thoughts still have power over us. Sometimes the person has already moved on with their life, and we are still resentful. There are even times where this person does not even know that they have done something wrong.
I remember taking a hypnotherapy class a year or so ago, where we did muscle testing exercises where one could discover what level of resentment for family and friends are still stuck in the body. If you want to read good material on how the body keeps the score from the past, I encourage you to read Dr Joe Dispenza's work or the work of Bessel van der Kolk. The bottom line of this exercise was that I had tons of issues still unresolved from my past, some of them which I was not even aware of!
During my flight back on a work trip, perhaps triggered by our discussion of that week, I suddenly began to feel some stuff coming up for me that I had not forgiven people for, that was still lingering in me. The weird thing typically is that these things show up usually in a different way. For me, I believe it shows up during times of sudden change, or movement. This typically happens in airplanes , but I recall also no longer liking certain activities in a fair, and typically my stomach getting upset easily with bumps in a car... But this time , it came in the form of bumps during the airplane ride.
Since I was so much about talking about forgiveness and it's importance, it was time for me to walk the walk myself! I took time at that moment, to close my eyes and focus on my breathing (this is what I usually do in times where I want to do some inner work).
I felt moments from my past passing by during childhood, where I did not accept or believe that I was worth of being loved. And I discovered that I made this decision as a young boy seeing my parents argue and believing it was my fault, thus making the decision with the mind of a child to then believe I was not worth of love. This came up many times in different forms in my life that I now better understand. I also remember this being amplified by the fact that my ugly (now loving) sister came along, taken further attention away from me during that time where I needed it the most. This then dragged on into teenage years, which are already tough and having continuous fights with my parents. Obviously around different things, because I really did not know I did not love myself. I now know that I am worth of love and I am love.
At that time, and still to today, there are emotions left in my body, that trigger certain thoughts during certain events, or when I meet a certain type of person. The thoughts than reinforce these emotions and old beliefs, and I can get stuck in this vicious loop.
During this exercise and this time, I wanted to escape, open my eyes and not forgive and forget what has happened to me. But there was an inner voice, talking to me. telling me to stay with me , in order for me to process some of these emotions. After discovering what I mentioned earlier, I suddenly felt an inner peace. I felt the need to send a message to my mother and sister to forgive them and send them loving thoughts. I also had to forgive myself for holding on to those erroneous beliefs that I have been holding onto for a long time. I could finally let go of these past emotions and release them from my body, back into the universe where they came from.
This exercise to me was so invaluable, but not easy at all. And I know there are probably a lot of other issues still to be dealt with. There are layers that need to be taken off, one at the time. To slowly release all the old baggage and integrating all these old , outdated ideas into a more empowered current version of myself.
What are some old pains that you have not dealt with that keep coming back up for you? What are some of the actions you can take to forgive yourself for these pains? Who may you need to forgive in order to step back into your Power?